Are you stuck in an unhappy marriage? Women far more than men have an amazing resilience to stay in a situation even though it is beyond repair. Are you one of those silently suffering wives who aren't happy but don't know what to do to make things better? Even in our far more emancipated age it is generally the woman's role to create and maintain the 'family' and 'home'. It is largely unspoken but in 9 cases out of 10 (at least) the wife will be the home maker and the husband the main breadwinner. Probably because of that women are less likely than men to end a bad marriage; somehow they feel ashamed that it didn't work. A failure.
If you feel that you may be drifting in that direction then start taking notes!
The first question is - Q1 Do you want it to get better? Have you already decided deep down that the relationship is over but just haven't ended it yet?
The next question is - Q2 Do you believe that it could get better? Similar to Q1 if you already know that the relationship is broken then you are just waiting for it to end.
It is possible that honestly answering these two questions will have clarified where you stand.
Where the situation is not that clear then more searching is required. Ultimately you need to know the answer to Q3 How can you tell if your marriage is irretrievable?
It's easier to start with a safe question like – Q4 Are you happy with your marriage? (My guess is your not otherwise you wouldn't be reading this article!) In fact it is unlikely anyone is perfectly happy with their relationship. There are always some edges that grate, areas where he fails to support you as he should. This is perfectly normal.
Where it becomes a problem is if on balance you are giving far more than receiving. Now there will always be areas where one partner is stronger than the other. One may take control (even enjoy) the family budget, another may arrange the family holiday. There are dozens if not hundreds of little things that need to be done to keep a family running each month.
It is possible that you have gravitated to the traditional he earns the money and I run the family split, with little or no crossing the line. Some couples are really happy with this; I know some cultures strongly promote this division of labor. The question now isn't is it right or wrong – instead the question is - Q5 do you think its fair?
Another important question is – Q6 do you feel respected and valued by your husband?
These aren't easy questions to answer, and may give some uncomfortable feelings. Maybe you feel disloyal to even doubt your marriage.
Now we can go back to the more difficult, and most important question – Q3 How can you tell if your marriage is irretrievable? From what has gone before you may already have an answer? For those of you not in the habit of reflecting on your life you may be a bit shocked and even angry with the state of your relationship.
Stepping back a bit it's worth saying that ALL relationships have areas that are more difficult than others. Even in strong healthy marriages there will be subjects that you just accept there are differences and move on. Ending a relationship is always a difficult option and I strongly believe that if there is any chance of working things out then they are worth a try.
In fact it is HOW you as a couple deal with your issues that indicate a marriage is working! Ideally you would be aware of the things that are important to you, know if they are being met or not and where there are problems they should be openly discussed and amicably resolved. If only it were always even half way there!
In order to answer Q3 you need to reflect on Q7 how long has it been broken? And Q8 What can YOU do differently to fix it. Note I say what can YOU do! Even though it may think its your husbands fault it will almost always be easier to change your own behaviors' before changing his. Now the behavior to change may be accepting unreasonable (even abusive) actions.
What you can do is respond differently is say "When you do/ say XX I feel (hurt/ unloved/ upset)". This will focus on what he is doing rather than directly criticizing him as a person.
Even where you are convinced the marriage is beyond repair it is worth at least trying to improve things before ending it. Should it come to a split then you can hold your head high knowing that you gave it a try. The breakup is a process and although most often painful it can be managed so that it is an easing off rather than a running away.
Hopefully this article has been thought provoking. I hope in some way it has been helpful. Relationships are necessary for our quality of life and if you are suffering then it is possible to make things better.
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Contributor's Note
First a bit about the author. I am now a 49 year old happily married man, with a wife I love dearly and 2 amazing boys of 3 and 5 years. We have been together 9 years and they have been the richest years of my life. My history is an unhappy childhood, left home as soon as I could, married the first girl that would have me and thought that was it. We had one happy and six miserable years together. At that time we had huge debts and a baby son. Through my job I had to work in a remote part of the world for 5 months. For the first time I lived my own life. When I returned I just couldn't get back into the relationship and a couple of months later we split up. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. Six months later we had both met someone else and were infinitely happier.
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